its not stalking. its research.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
