Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
