Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
