I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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