i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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