Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
