your room smells of hookers.
And success
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My feet surprised me
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
