youre lurking in front of me
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
