I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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