We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
