My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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