you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
