I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
it glows. i had to have it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
