I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
