don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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