I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
