Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
