walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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