The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
