There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
