connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
