i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
