It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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