No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
