you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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