I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
