It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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