I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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