Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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