you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
