i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
