my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
