I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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