Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
