when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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