you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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