I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
