Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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