he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
