I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
