I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
