Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
