I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
