I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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