i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
