the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
