I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
