I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
