Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so let's talk penis.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
