I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
